Last night I woke up in a lukewarm Midwestern sweat, realizing it was time for Judge Judy to freshen up her catch-phrase. I don’t have her email address, so I’m publishing my suggestions here. Judge, feel free to use any of these on your next show. And call me! We’ll have coffee and folderols!
- “Don’t pelt me with egg yolks and tell me it’s sunny.”
- “Don’t shower me with crude oil and tell me it’s chocolate syrup.”
- “Don’t pickle my gherkins and tell me they’re Froot Loops.”
- “Don’t nibble on my ear and tell me the fish are biting.”
- “Don’t whack me with a beer bottle and tell me it’s Chardonnay.”
- “Don’t barf in my taxi and tell me it’s spaghetti.”
- “Don’t push me off the Sears Tower and tell me I’m flying first class, Oprah.”
- “Don’t sprinkle me with fertilizer and tell me I’m a philodendron.”
- “Don’t design a pointy bra for me and tell me you’re Howard Hughes.”
- “Don’t trim my bangs and tell me I’m a Labradoodle.”
- “Don’t do it in the ballroom with a candlestick and tell me I’m Colonel Mustard.”
Don’t forget to read our biography of Judith “Judge Judy” Sheindlin!