The new allegation that Warren Beatty has been, uh, very friendly with 13,000 women during his lifetime puts him up there among the great doers of mythic deeds in America — figures like Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, and Wilt Chamberlain.
By “allegation,” of course we mean “crazy number tossed out there in a book to generate publicity, quite successfully.” But let it pass. The number is out there and Beatty has already, as of this afternoon, gone with Daniel Boone into American legend, blazing trails and wrassling cougars.
Warren Beatty has always been known as a ladies’ man, but at this point he really deserves his own mythic frontier song, possibly sung to the tune of “The Ballad of Davy Crockett”:
He was born in Richmond, Virginee
Horniest state in the land of the free
Started to act for the Academy (of motion picture arts and sciences)
Scored in a bar when he was only three
Warren! Warren Beatty!
Randy as an old mule deer!
Since he’s now a genuine American tall tale, Beatty might even become a story problem used by our more progressive schools to teach arithmetic.
“So if the famous bushwhacker Warren Beatty became ‘close friends’ with one woman every day, how long did it take him to reach 13,000 women? Yes, Timmy, there are 365 days in a year. And let’s just say he took Mondays off. That gives us 313 days for every year.”
“Who can tell us what 13,000 divided by 313 is? Right, Susie, 41.5 years. So if Warren Beatty started befriending one woman a day at age 13, that means he continued right through without stopping, except for Mondays, until he was 54.”
“And how old he was when he married Annette Bening? 54! Perfect! So he never needed to make friends with other women again.”
You see, the happy ending makes this tall tale appropriate for everyone. That’s the American way!
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