1) Bette Midler sings “You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings” as Oprah bawls.
2) Oprah wakes up in her Chicago apartment next to Suzanne Pleshette, realizes that The Oprah Winfrey Show was all a crazy dream.
4) As fans chant “Santo Subito,” Pope Benedict XVI appears via satellite to announce that the normal five-year waiting period for beatification has been waived.
5) Entire studio audience gets a surprise trip to an abandoned Chevrolet plant in Skokie, where they use spare parts to build their own Camaros.
6) Oprah pinch-hits for the Cubs, points to the center field bleachers, then slugs a fastball out of Wrigley Field to win the game.
7) Oprah visits Billy Goat Tavern and defeats a Nepalese giant in a shot-for-shot drinking contest as the crowd bets furiously on the outcome.
8) Shocker: She’s running against Obama in 2012!
10) Oprah wheels out a wagon with the heads of the 67 other daytime talk show hosts she outlasted.
11) Dr. Phil is left permanently deaf after heroically saving orphans during a North Korean bomb attack.
12) Oprah opens up a steamer trunk, applies clown makeup, and then dances with a broom before “sweeping up” a final spotlight.
13) Camera pulls back to reveal that the whole show was a fantasy in the mind of Dick Cavett as he stared into a snow globe.
…and finally, the most likely ending to The Oprah Winfrey Show:
14) Journey reunites to play “Don’t Stop Believin'” as Stedman Graham kneels and proposes to Oprah. Just as she opens her mouth to reply, the scene crash-cuts to black, followed by silent closing credits.